About delegating parental obligations

by Alfonso

I received the email below from someone I know. 

"Thank you for your articles! They sure help to put things in perspective. I am amazed at times how life in the "group" has a lasting influence, even after so many years. To this day I have a hard time coming to terms with it...."

From one comrade to another...

My response below:

Glad to hear some of my comments help!

It was inevitable that the "group" would have a lasting influence on you and me. Like dozens of others, our parents placed us in the TFP at an early age, and we had little say in the matter. In my case (as I am sure it was yours), I have no doubt that my parents placed me in the organization with the best (if misguided) intentions. Let's not forget that they believed a Divine Chastisement was coming at any moment, and that we had a Crusade to fight against the forces or evil, namely 99.99% or society, including Popes and Bishops that had betrayed their mission.

In our parents' mind, placing us in the TFP, and delegating their parental responsibilities (on Plinio theoretically, but practically speaking to the likes of Joao Cla, Jos� Antonio Tost, Luiz Antonio Fragelli and so many other TFP chieftains), was the best thing they could do for us. For our immortal souls.

Why care for a formal education, or social interactions that could be useful for a future career or for establishing a family of our own? Aversion to "carrerosa" (or the inclination to make a career in the world), was grounded not only on the perceived futility of any such endeavor due to the "fact" that the days of the world as we knew it were numbered, but also (and perhaps more importantly) on the fact that sectarian movements such as the one the "family of souls" within the TFP turned into, have great aversion to any uncontrolled contact between their members and the world at large. Can you imagine how long would a TFP member (like we were) would last in a modern college campus?

I can forgive (and have done so for many years), the mistake our parents made by placing our lives in the hands or the "group", and thus conditioning our future to the extent they have. Even if, to this day, some of them fail to see it as a mistake. Like I said above, I truly believe they did it "for the right reasons". And (in the case of my father at least), their youth and inexperience did not help. They were believers, easily manipulated by Plinio and his entourage. And once the sectarian dynamics of the para-religious order kicked in, and with it the accepted the common tenant that, basically, there was no salvation outside the group, they never had a chance. As we grew, those of us whose minds were not totally polluted by their beliefs, would have to fight our own battles, and find a way to build a new life.

What I have more difficulty forgiving is an organization that, systematically, recruits minors as easy prey to take advantage of their impressionable minds and lack of formation and experience. I find it unacceptable they target minors in the first place, but even more so that they do not provide the tools for those individuals should they decide (like we did) to freely chose another path. On the contrary, as you well know, the claws of the organization are well versed in digging ever deeper in the conscience of its members, reinforcing the message that, for us, there was no salvation outside "the group." Leaving was an act of "apostasy", and there was no doubt in their minds that our eternal salvation was at stake.

In this unilateral vision of an "all or nothing", "winner takes all" vocation, there was no room for middle ground. You were either one of them in body and soul, an "Apostle of the Last Days", a "warrior-monk" of the Reign of Mary... or you were a damned (literally!) individual, an "apostate" who would be unhappy and a failure should you chose to leave. And, if you were not a total failure in the world, never forget that any joy or happiness you have is because, in His infinite justice, God will reward on earth the virtues of those who will be condemned to hell. So... don't get too excited about happiness or success in this world!

I left my parent's home to go live in a TFP house when I was 14 or thereabouts. From what I remember you were that age or might have been even younger. How can anyone dispute that our lives were definitively marked by being exposed to all those fringe theories at such an early age? Let's also add into the mix, if you want, that christian charity was never one of the strong suits of the TFP, and you have an interesting cocktail that any psychologist could write a fascinating study about!

As you might have read, I did not had an easy time learning how to live in the world, and eventually finding my wife and forming a family. It took me years to de-clutter my mind (to some extent at least), and even more years to begin looking critically at my experiences. This was made all the more difficult by the fact that, I am the first one to tell you, that I do not believe that everything was was lived and taught in the TFP was wrong. It was not a case of discarding every experience and every principle learned, but rather of distinguishing "the wheat from the chaff" if you want. It was (and still is) not easy for me. I must confess that keeping this blog, and the fact that many of the texts I publish here have helped people with similar experiences, does play a somewhat "therapeutic" role. Hopefully reading it helps you and others too.

I was also blessed in finding a partner that helped me immensely. My wife did more to ground me and give me a balanced view than anyone I met. But I know of others that have not been so lucky. I know of persons, some very close to me, that were never able to truly "leave" the organization, and to this day have very sad lives, mentally blaming themselves for their "apostasy" and failing to take off on a new, meaningful life, thus validating a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure for those who abandon their "vocation" to the TFP.

A final thought. Let's not forget God created all men different. Equal insofar we are all given access to salvation and we are all sons of God, but each of us is different. You can attribute this to genetics, education, environment... or all of the above, but it is an undeniable fact that, even within families, siblings are different physically, mentally and spiritually.

TFP apologists like to point out instances of ex-members that have been successful (and appear to have no lasting mental scars) as "evidence" of how free to come and go their members are. What I believe is that those who succeed after leaving do so in spite of the sectarian practices, not because of them. And it is typically the more weak, or those possessing fewer temperamental or psychological tools that are the most damaged. For those stories the organization takes no ownership, but rather does a perverse job of gloating in their failures or difficulties as an example of what is to become of anyone who leaves them.

Well... I have taken too much of your time with this letter. I hope you and your family continue to do well. As I always say, ex-TFP members are the closest I have to college buddies! And even though we do not see each other much, we have shared too much, and this does makes us "comrades-in-arms", even through we now fight other battles with other weapons!

Let's keep looking ahead, and up to God who does help, even if His ways are at times (too often!) mysterious. I do hope He has a soft spot for us ex-militants, and gives us an extra hand down here.

All the best!